It’s like a siren starts going off in my brain. It brings up all kinds of insecurities and I’ll start to feel disliked in the office, and as though my work isn’t good enough. I’ll go home, convinced that the experience has been a disaster, and beat myself up about it for days, imagining that everyone else who went to the party has been talking about how rubbish I am. I’ll drink too much, and either end up being the most gregarious person in the room, or someone who sits in the corner, anxiously clutching a beer and tweeting so I don’t have to talk to anyone. I’ll spend hours choosing an outfit and oscillate between refusing to go and fearing I’ll miss out on an awesome party if I don’t. Large groups of people make me want to disappear. GOING TO A PARTY WHERE YOU DON’T KNOW MANY PEOPLE I might make an excuse and cancel, and then spend the evening under the duvet, eating a jar of olives. I’m usually good at making superficially good impressions on new people, but I fear that once they get to know me, I’ll be rejected. I’ll have these feelings, but they’ll be magnified to crazy proportions. Most people are both excited and nervous when they’re asked out. Here are some scenarios where my BPD can really mess things up for me. I struggled with my mental health very seriously during my undergraduate and master’s degrees, and am only now, at 24, beginning to understand why I experience the world as I do. I had to get to five and a half stone before anyone would take my need for treatment seriously, and I tried to end my life four times before Borderline Personality Disorder was even mentioned. I was diagnosed with BPD while under the Coventry and Warwickshire Eating Disorder Service, which is in itself is a damning indictment of the state of mental health services in Britain. Others are often quick to judge and see this as evidence of the sufferer being a ‘bad person’ or an ‘attention-seeker’, but in reality those with Borderline Personality Disorder are using such behaviours as coping strategies, to mitigate the overwhelming pain or emptiness or confusion they’re feeling. Seeing and hearing things that other people don’t, and intense worries of abandonment can all be part of Borderline Personality Disorder.īPD is also characterised by impulsive and dangerous behaviour, including self-harm, binge drinking, drug use, dangerous driving, shoplifting, unprotected sex, and disordered eating. Others report feelings of paranoia, numbness and emptiness. Some people have difficulty maintaining a strong sense of self. Most BPD sufferers will experience intense emotions that can change very quickly, moving from feeling euphoric to very low and even suicidal in the space of a day or a few hours. The diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder is very broad, and includes people with symptoms of varying degrees of severity. It’s difficult to form lasting relationships when I constantly misinterpret social cues, believing that people are attacking me or being snide when in reality, this isn’t the case. For me, one of the most difficult parts of having BPD is the impact it has on my interactions with others. As much as I might bang on the glass, it doesn’t shift, and I’m marooned in a world of nonsensical contractions and miscommunication. Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is like going through the looking glass and getting stuck there.
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